If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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