it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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