dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
