god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
