she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize