I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
