he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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