evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
