im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
