You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize