Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
