Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
