I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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