Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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