what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize