I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
