all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
