Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
