I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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