I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
