everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
