I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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