i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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