I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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