When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
