I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
