I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think my moral compass just broke
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
