Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
