So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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