if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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