Pants 0. Shit 1.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
