I smell stomach acid.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
