I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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