How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
