if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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