Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
