I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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