dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
