So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
