Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
