I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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