Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
