We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize