I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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