Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
