I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
