two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
