where am i from again
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
