I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
