You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize