Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
