Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
