Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
