if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize