R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She's the barista slut.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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