I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I've blown a few things in my day
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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