i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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